How Forever Feels
by caitlinxo
Summary: Bella is lost, broken, and untrusting. Can a certain someone help bring her back? Or is all hope lost?
1. Chapter 1

**Bella's Point of View**

Here I am in Jacksonville, Flordia, laying in my old familar bed that has been used way to often for anything but sleep lately. I rarely leave my bedroom, unless its dark. Jacksonville is a little too sunny to go unnoticed. I can't really bare to be in the rest of this place I once called a home. Too much blood shed to stand. I also can't go back to my real home, not yet anyways, I haven't been there in a little less than 6 months. I'm too coward to find out what is waiting for me there.

Charlie stopped calling about 4 months ago, I can only guess that _she _got to him too. I often find myself wondering how exactly _she _did get too. Was everyone I ever loved murdered? Was there any hearts left beating, or not beating for that matter? The thoughts scared me, and yet here I lay, too scared to find out the real truth.

The sun was setting and I feel absolutely starved, I shouldn't deprive myself for so long. I know my control and strength is one to be reconned with but pushing myself so far might result in more bloodshed.

I leapt out my second story window, and hit the ground effortlessly, gracefully. Though my new body was one I never wished for this way, it was one I loved having. Being gracefully isn't something I'm accustomed to. But it was something I had learned to love.

I didn't hesitate to take off running. With my mother and step father dead, and the daughter missing, the town had yet do to anything with my mother's once called home. I didn't want to raise any suspicions as to life inside. Err, I mean unlife. Even after 5 months of this new life, its still so hard to consider myself dead.

I drank 4 deer, greedily. I really need to start eating more. I hurried back to the bedroom, I didn't like to stray too far. The things that lived in the darkness terrified me. Ever more, than on a cloudy day, they could walk amougest us, and no one ever raised an eyebrow.

_7 Months Ago _;

"Bella! If we don't go over this guest list, we will never come up with a seating plan and without a seating plan, no one will no where to sit!" Alice huffed, threw her hands and papers up into the air as dramatically as possible and threw herself into a chair like a 2 year old.

"Please, Alice, you already know where everyone is going to sit. Don't torture me" I pleaded, damn near begged. I'd had enough of wedding plans. I just wanted to be married already, I sliently sulked!

"This is your first, and only human wedding. Do you not want to experience every aspect of it?" she put her best innocent face on. Ohh Alice.

"I could live without the crazy sister-in-law wedding planner!" I wasn't backing down.

"Fine! I'll put together the seating arrangment!" She growled "But, you are helping with the flower arrangments, and there will be zero compaining!"

One thing I've learned over these crazy few years if that betting again Alice is never a smart move.

"Deal" I smiled at her.

My thoughts all of a sudden came crashing down on me. I hated reliving my past, a past that wasn't so far in the past. Everything felt so fresh. So new. So unhealed. I hated them. All of them. I felt so betrayed. So unprotected. So unloved.

I looked down at my left hand, this hand felt so heavy sometimes. Like I couldn't get the ring off. Even though it'd be 6 long months since that ring had been anywhere near my finger.


	2. Chapter 2

**Bella's Point of View**

I wasn't sure if I'd return to Forks. I wasn't sure if I wanted too. And the fear of the unknown was too strong. I didn't know what waited for me there. I knew that my father probably didn't survive. I'm sure at least some or most of the Cullen's would have survived, but the fear of not knowing was always there.

It was a rather rainy day in Jacksonville, my mother house had sold and because all assests where in my name when she passed, I had a rather huge sum of money deposited into my account this morning.

I had control around humans. It was something I did not expect, after all the horror stories Edward had fed me.

I decided to go to the mall, I was in need of something new, I was sick of the selt pity I couldn't seem to shake.

….

I spent too much money. A different kind of guilt washed over me today. But I went for things I'd never went for before. Heels, dresses, jewelry. It felt good being selfish, it felt good to not think about things, even if it was just for a little while.

With my mothers house being sold, I wasn't entirely sure where to go. Maybe it was time to face my fears. I felt like, well..I felt like a pussy. I am a vampire. A special one. And here I've sat for the passed 4 months, shaking like a little girl at the unknown.

I'm not sure if it was the new clothes, and the new confidence I found when I wore them or it was just the knowing that I had no where to go but Forks or live as a nomad.

…

I found myself at a Honda dealership. Why? I don't know. If I knew anything about cars, maybe I'd be at a better dealership. But here I am, searching for any kind of car that might suite me.

"G-g-good afternoon ma'am" the older salesman stuttered to me.

I wasn't used to having any kind of effect on people, especially men. I wasn't blind through. My transformation had done wonders for me. My hair was now a dark brown with a reddish ting, the natural curls with intensified and it hung to the middle of my back. My eyes were a golden green, ones I'd never seen before, but I absolutely adored them. My cheek bones were higher and my lips were poor plum. I couldn't of been happier with my looks now.

I smiled shyly "I need a car. I'm not entirely sure what I am looking for" I stated, feeling dumb.

He blushed "Is there any specifics?"

"I want black, with blacked out windows. Preferably a fast car and a stick shift" I knew the small details.

"Ahh, Ms…" he started

"Swan" I stated matter-of-factly.

"Ms. Swan, please follow me, I have the perfect car" he smiled, genuinely.

He lead me to what I would call, a sleek black 4 door. I wasn't sure what it was exactly but it looked like my kind of car. Blacked out windows, nothing too fancy but it seemed good for me.

"I'll take it"


	3. Chapter 3

I felt sick. It was strange for a vampire to ever feel sick. But as I rounded the last few corners to Forks, my stomach was in knots. I wasn't sure if I was making the right choice. I wasn't sure what was waiting for me. I wasn't even sure if I was going to like what was waiting for me.

What would I say to _him_? Would _he _even be there? Would _he _still be with _her_?

The questions were never ending, and they were gnawing at me. I needed answers.

I rolled slowly through sleepy Forks. Everything looked the same as it did what seems like an eternity ago. I was grateful for the blacked out windows. Did anyone ever wonder what happened to _Bella Swan_? Did my father tell people I was at my mothers? Did any of the Cullen`s clear up rumors? Again, the questions were killing me. I needed answers, now!

I stepped out of my civic, my home looked empty. I wonder what the police report said, I wonder what they told the public.

I slowly made my way up the steps, another strange thing for a vampire.

There was cobwebs in the front door, it looked so lonely. I felt sad, and the familiar guilt washed over me.

Stepping inside made me feel empty. It was the exact same way I left it. Just empty, and lifeless. There was no evidence of physical altercation. Maybe _she _killed him in his sleep, or maybe _she _did it publicly. I wasn`t sure if I wanted to know the truth.

I found myself in my father`s room. The house looked so undisturbed, which felt very disturbing to me. How`d _she _do it so peacefully? When my mother`s was so horrific?

Every emotion possible began to sweep me away. I dry sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. I wanted to cry, worse than I`ve ever wanted to before. Being a vampire sure had its downfalls. I felt robbed of my true emotions. I felt robbed of so many things.

I sat with my arms wrapped around my chest for what felt like days, I wasn`t sure how long I laid there. Possibly longer than when I found my mother and step farther. I wasn`t sure, I vaguely remember two strong arms wrapping themselves around me.

….

If vampires could sleep, this was the closest I was getting. I knew my surroundings. I knew I was still on in my father's bedroom. I was aware of whose presence was in the room with me. I didn`t fear it, like most things I did around me. I felt comfort from them. Although I wasn`t sure who was with me.

….

I knew some time has passed, and I felt the feelings of soberness arising in me. Slowly, I started to unravel myself. I let my arms fall from my knees and started to take in my surroundings.

I was startled by the person I found holding me!


	4. Chapter 4

"Oh, Carlisle", I sobbed uncontrollably.

"Bella, shh, please Bella" he said, almost to comforting.

"I'm sorry. I didn't expect anyone to know I was here, I wasn't sure you'd be here , to be honest" I trailed off, suddenly unsure of my own voice.

"Alice" he said, simply.

Neither of us said anything for another few minutes. I was taking in all the _vampire contact_ I could before I needed to start asking some real questions.

"Bella, would you like to come back to the house with me? Esme has been worried sick and well, you've changed and we'd like to hear what happened" he said softly. I knew he was worried about what my reaction would be considering how I left things 6 months ago.

"I can't see _him, _Carlisle. And I may kill _her_" my words were laced with hatred.

"As I said Bella, there is so much for us to speak about. Ed=" he began.

"NO!" I roared, I couldn't control myself "don't say his fucking name."

I ran downstairs, I needed air. Another strange thing for this vampire. I seem to need or want a lot of things that most vampires never even consider anymore, unless trying to put a show on for humans. Carlisle gave me a few minutes; he met me on the front step with an apologetic smile lingering on his face.

"I'm sorry, Carlisle." I began

"No, no. Bella, that same reaction is one I've seen many times in our home. Please Bella, consider joining us this evening. The _true _family misses you." And with a quick kiss to the forehead, he vanished.

I wasn't going anywhere near that house, not tonight, and possibly never. Carlisle caught me at a vulnerable time, if I'd been in my right mind set, instead of worrying over my father's death, than I'd have never let him come as close as he did to me.

They're all vampires, for fuck sakes! They could hear a mouse eating from a mile away, but _no one_ knew what was going on behind my back? No one in that house had the love for me let alone decency to tell me! I was angry. I was downright pissed the fuck off. Alice, a mind reader. Jasper, sensing's everyone's feelings. Did no one care for me?


End file.
